habits

   Sometimes I forget how much music can affect how I feel. I don't usually listen to mainstream songs, but there's this one. Habits. Tove Lo. The melody isn't all that bad but gosh the lyrics in the verses are absolutely terrible. And then there's the chorus. I love the chorus. I just. I relate to it a lot. Too much, almost. It's not like I've been in some weird, destructive relationship or that I'm actually staying high but I mean, I just try and try to keep this person off my mind but it's impossible. All attempts have been futile.

   I don't know why I like him so much. Or why I even bother with someone who may or may not feel the same way. Remember that last blog post about me getting over someone? I feel like I may have been trying to convince myself of that. I was wrong. I was wrong. And I don't know what to do. I just want answers. I want answers to all these questions about us, about the possibility about an actual anything. I just want to know.

  How is it possible for one person to make you feel so... deprived? And how can I take back this power that I've given to him to rip up my emotions each passing day? It's crazy, really. How much someone can make you feel. Anger. Hope. Joy. Sadness. Feelings that all stand on their own, come together in this battle when that one person comes around.

   It's almost ridiculous, how I'm making so a big deal out of this, blowing it out of proportion. But feelings. Emotions. They've got to be a big deal, right?

I always do this. I fall for people who would probably never feel the same way. And I torture myself like that for weeks and weeks. I don't know how to help myself. I've fallen too deep into this pit.

The sad thing is that he probably doesn't care, or give an iota of a damn about me.

"Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you"