picking yourself up- part 1

  For the past few days I've been having a sort of feeling of underaccomplishment. Blogger is underlining that last word with red so I'm guessing it isn't a real word. Oh well. Anyway. Underaccomplishment. Saying I've been feeling that way for a few days is probably an understatement. A week or two? Yup, better.

  You're not good enough. This was a sentence I never thought I'd have an issue with. But lately it's really starting to come down hard on me. I never thought to ever associate myself with self-esteem issues because I'm always the one telling everyone that they're enough, they shouldn't compare themselves with others because they're unique and are whom they're meant to be. And so others begin to have this impression that I'm really confident and stuff. It's a facade I wear that hides what I really feel. As cheesy as it may sounds, it's unfortunately true.

  I'm gonna be blunt here: I'm overweight. Yes. I said it. It's true, and no I'm not putting myself down. I'm using an adjective to describe my appearance, no matter how negative it may sound. But yes. It's what I am at the moment. Some people may be able to empathise with me that when you hang around other people who are less than overweight and lean more to the slender side, it can really bite into you're self-esteem. I've begun this unhealthy habit where I measure how heavy I am every morning when I wake up. I've been working towards losing weight, and though I have noticed quite a big change, I realise that this weight-loss thing is beginning to take over my life. I've become obsessed with the way I look on the outside because I'm trying to compensate for something else as well.

  On average, I'd say my studies are OK. I try my best not to fail my exams, but for a little over a handful of them, I'm treading water with my chin dangerously close to sinking below the surface. I talked to a couple of my friends the other day and asked them if they'd rather be dumb and nice, or intelligent and mean. The both answered the former. And I admitted to wanting to be the latter.

  This is my problem: I don't think I'm enough. As much as I try to convince myself that this was who I was made to be, I just can't believe in it. I constantly feel like I need to do more, I need to alter bits of myself, get of rid of the chunks I don't need; I feel like I need to adopt new habits, and destroy the ones that destroy me until there's nothing left of myself left in myself left, but instead a whole new person in a more or less same shell. Why don't I believe I'm enough? And how do I make something out of my life, and go fulfil something?

  Too often, almost, I look at myself and wonder why I'm only good at one thing and so bad at everything else. Then this leads to the insecurity where I fear the day when someone comes along and totally trashes me at the one thing my abilities are able to cope with. This is the constant fear I live in. And it's palpable all the time. Each time someone scores higher in an essay, gets fewer wrongs in a vocabulary test, writes a better story, it all just piles on to this indelible fear of being replaced, and ultimately forgotten. Because there's nothing about me that really stands out. I was told I'm nice, and that's alright but there're so many things that override the mere attribute of "being nice". What if being nice isn't enough? What if I need something more so that I can be someone more?

So yeah. Self-esteem issues. I never thought I would ever face them but here they are, staring me squarely in the face. And here I am, wading ten feet in them, choking on the non-cessation of my own lack of confidence.

To be continued. 

habits

   Sometimes I forget how much music can affect how I feel. I don't usually listen to mainstream songs, but there's this one. Habits. Tove Lo. The melody isn't all that bad but gosh the lyrics in the verses are absolutely terrible. And then there's the chorus. I love the chorus. I just. I relate to it a lot. Too much, almost. It's not like I've been in some weird, destructive relationship or that I'm actually staying high but I mean, I just try and try to keep this person off my mind but it's impossible. All attempts have been futile.

   I don't know why I like him so much. Or why I even bother with someone who may or may not feel the same way. Remember that last blog post about me getting over someone? I feel like I may have been trying to convince myself of that. I was wrong. I was wrong. And I don't know what to do. I just want answers. I want answers to all these questions about us, about the possibility about an actual anything. I just want to know.

  How is it possible for one person to make you feel so... deprived? And how can I take back this power that I've given to him to rip up my emotions each passing day? It's crazy, really. How much someone can make you feel. Anger. Hope. Joy. Sadness. Feelings that all stand on their own, come together in this battle when that one person comes around.

   It's almost ridiculous, how I'm making so a big deal out of this, blowing it out of proportion. But feelings. Emotions. They've got to be a big deal, right?

I always do this. I fall for people who would probably never feel the same way. And I torture myself like that for weeks and weeks. I don't know how to help myself. I've fallen too deep into this pit.

The sad thing is that he probably doesn't care, or give an iota of a damn about me.

"Spend my days locked in a haze

Trying to forget you babe

I fall back down

Gotta stay high all my life

To forget I'm missing you"

purpose

What is the purpose of a blog, really?

When I started this little corner of mine, it was all because of a couple of other friends who wanted to start a sort of "hate blog" specially dedicated to Selena Gomez. Yes. I was part of the little "troupe" and I didn't post anything save for one little thing that, looking back, was and is really stupid. I was eleven and naive and had too much time on my hands. 

But now I am fifteen. (Or going to be anyway. October isn't that far away hAHA.) And I've grown so much from that bored tween to someone who perhaps has become a little better, stronger and wiser. I've gained and lost friends, all for the better, and I've discovered different little facets of life that still continue to aid me in my growth. 

This whole thing was initially supposed to be for "celeb gossip" and Hollywood updates and all that stuff. Then it started to lean over to being an advice page where I delved into all these "deep" topics that I–surprisingly–could write quite a bit about. Soon the advice stage moved over to just being a site dedicated to everything me. I wrote about things that happened to me each week and basically kept an online journal. I'd spill all sorts of random things from my life, converting my thoughts into a million pixels. 

I still kind of do that, but not really anymore. 

Sometimes I wish my posts had a point. I guess today's sort of has one. And I think it's that purposes change. Those who've been here from the very beginning can empathise with this little statement. This blog's purpose has changed quite a few times. You could say this could be a sort of analogy for life. Purposes change but we still go on. 

Wait. That's like something from Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

"Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody."

                                                             – Stephen Chbosky

There we go. It took me long enough to realise that. So yes. I guess today's point is: KEEP GOING IT'S OKAY. YOU MESS UP, FALL DOWN, WHATEVER. GET UP, GET GOING, GO AND DO LIFE. 

Now. I'm just gonna go and figure what the purpose of my blog is. 

xx. 

digging up old memories

Today I was looking through some stuff on my computer, and I found a piece of writing that I actually really like. Yes, I wrote this, and to be honest, I can't believe I did. I'm pretty impressed with myself, quite frankly. Good job, younger Faith. Haha. Anyways, I'm just gonna share it here. You're welcome to leave feedback and stuff. I will now go to bed because I've got school tomorrow.

The Anniversary 

The last time I saw him...I try not to think about it. But the memories come anyway, cascading down in a white torrent of reminiscence. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to close out the sounds of banging and metal grinding against metal. His face suddenly shimmers into my mind. Those eyes, cold and emotionless... But only towards her. Whenever I looked at him his eyes melted into love and care. A smile would grow on his chapped lips, and his arms would open, inviting me into a warm embrace. 

I never hugged him. I never hugged him because those were the same arms that would cause streams of crimson ink to run down her head, the same hands that would ball into hard fists and hit her over and over and over till she couldn't even open her eyes, lest the last thing she would ever see was this heartless monster. If he came closer to finish her off, she would hold her breath, hold it for as long as possible, lest the last thing she smelled was the pungent stench of eye-watering alcohol. 

The last time I saw him, he was sprawled over the living room floor, bleeding to death. If there was anything he deserved, that was it. Death. I remember the look of betrayal he had worn in his last seconds of living. 

"Why?" He'd managed to croak. 

I stayed silent, proud of my act of vengeance. He loved me, I knew he did. But I couldn't love a man who was violent and brutal. Not towards her. Not towards her. 

Gripping the blade tightly in my hand, I bent over him, scrutinizing the gory wound in his chest. 

"Because you deserve it," I hissed coldly. 

      I'd never intended the murder of my father. Maybe he didn't expect my mother to pass out and die from his series of constant blows, either. But who am I kidding? He hit her like he wanted her to die. And when she did, I lost it. My mother, who put up with this horrendous beast just so I could still lead a "normal" life, my mother who died whilst in an abusive relationship, because she knew that if she were to leave, she would have taken me. She didn't do that, however. She didn't do that because she knew she had no financial aid and I wouldn't be able to continue my education and we'd be homeless on the streets. 

But maybe that would have been better for her. 

I open my eyes once more and stare at the gray wall opposite me. I run my fingers through my hair and smile. Today is the fifth anniversary of my father's death, the day I murdered him, finished him off, gave him the only thing he was worthy of having. And there's no where I'd rather be, than here in my cell, away from my mother's never-ending screams for help, away from the smell of alcohol that always lingered in the air.

So yes! I hope you liked that. Dark things are cool. 

xx. 

failure and success

Lol. Don't worry, I don't think this is an emo post. I just really like how deep-ish the title sounds. Also, I had no idea what else to write–so there's that.

Alrighty! Two months since my last post. I should win an award for inconsistency. Oh, and for procrastination. A lot of things have happened, as usual. The good news? Most of these things are good things and have almost got nothing to do with sadness and loneliness and all that. Hurrah.

But just because, let's start out with the less-than-happy news. So, I haven't told you guys, but during the March holidays, I discovered a Malaysian publisher through research for my I-Search paper for Edison. I found out that they were actually calling for entries for a new collection of short stories they want to publish in October. Now, there was a theme they wanted and a word limit but I won't go into that because of my utter laziness. So I thought, Oh, well, why not? and I came up with this whole story which was both happy and sad but mostly sad. I was happy with my work, and I–with crossed fingers and a heart full of hope–submitted it a week before the deadline. And then the wait came.

About 24 days passed when they finally posted a status update saying they'd read through all the entries and emailed the writers whose stories they'd chosen. With fear and excitement, I quickly went to check my inbox. No email. Nothing. I could feel my heart just shatter into shards of disappointment. I kind of expected this, judging by the fact that I was up against experienced writers and people much older than I was, nevertheless, I felt really let down.

No, I won't be sharing the story here. I may or may not want to edit it a little bit more and use it somewhere else. So that was the bad news.

Good news! Yay. So first things first, and I think this really is a real accomplishment: I finally, finally got over a crush I had on someone for a really long time. It was hard, not gonna lie. Because I really liked him; he was smart and funny at times and kind at times. But yes I'm glad that's over. Wew.

Sigh. I'm happy. A lot of things are looking up for me. School's pretty great (I topped the class in our Bio exam!), my friends are awesome and I love them so much, I'm eating healthier and working out when I can. So yes. I think that's all you need to know about me and my life. Hurrah. Bye. I think I've got to study and start working on my business project AHHAAHHHA.

xx.

woops

I feel like this title is extremely appropriate for today's post.
I... Was supposed to update on the first of January. (which I obviously did not do)
So because of that, I have a lot of things to tell you. A lot. So much has happened.

Now let's see. Parks & Rec. I've started watching this TV show called Parks & Recreation, and let me tell you this: It's great. No wait, sorry. Great is an understatement. The show is AMAZING WITH A CAPITAL A LIKE DANG GURL. Yes. I don't usually come across shows that I really like, but when I do, I binge-watch the hell outta them. Like. I've finished 3 seasons in about 2 weeks or less. Man. I just really like the show. Like it's one of those shows that make me literally laugh out loud. Along with The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family.

That aside, school has been great. Kinda. I mean, nothing bad has happened yet, which is nice but nerve-wracking at the same time because I know at any time, something that could make me really upset might happen. The nice part, though, is that I've got some pretty great teachers. The other not-so-nice part, though, is that I've got 5 tests coming up. And I'm really scared. I'm afraid of failing–which, by the way, is something I'm really good at doing. Gah.

Alright, putting away the ominous stuff.

I've got some pretty great friends, though. School friends, especially. OH, yes. Planetshakers came. And on Friday I went with a buncha awesome people, and I had one of the greatest times ever. Yup.

It's late. I should probably go to bed now. I just kinda wanted to let ya'll know that I'm alive. I'll update soon, I guess.


BTW, Adam Scott has a really nice face, and if you don't know who he is, then dang gurl, you're missing out.

xx.

one day more

Alright. Hello.

So Christmas is over. And today is the 31st of December.
I don't really know what to write. I just feel like right now–the last 1:42 AM of the year–is pretty sacred. So let's ask myself one reasonably important question: what have I accomplished this year?

Hm.

Okay, I'm gonna be kind to myself.

I think I've done a moderately good amount of things this year, things that made it significantly different compared to last year–I think.

I think I'm a little proud of myself for completing the last 364 days. I didn't think I would make it–fact. Now, as I reflect upon the things of the past, I can also say that 2014 has been a rough year. But rough enough for me to learn more and to equip myself for the challenges of the next year. So many new things are going to happen next year. And I have to be honest:

I'm scared. 

That's right. Terrified, in fact. Things like upper-secondary, new subjects, new classmates. 

I must tell you something else: I'm learning to talk to Him more. This is good, quite frankly. The last year has been spent ignoring this sovereign deity but finally, I am slowly coming back. Slowly. I'm still having troubles here and there, but I know things are different. And things are changing. And I know they will continue to change, for the good (or bad) as time goes. The next year is in God's hands, and with His help I'm going to at least try to make things better. With His help I'm going to make new, more trustworthy friends, earn trust, excel in my studies, grow closer to my family, and altogether build a sturdy relationship with the Father. 

It sounds like big-talk, I know. But I'm willing to help myself. I am willing to make things better. 

I don't really know how to end this. This whole thing kinda just turned into a rant of self-embetterment. (pretty sure that's not a word)

But uh. I think, I'm excited, too. There's a whole new year of adventure just waiting for me. And although I am so scared and unsure, I cannot wait to walk through the threshold of two-one-zero-five. 

Happy New Year, reader. You are amazing, and I hope you have a blooming good year. 

xx.