There is a lot I want to say but I don't know how. But first, I want to start with friendship.
I don't know if I've ever experienced real friendship or not, because I'm starting to feel as though all my friendships have been kinda one-sided. For instance, when this person is having problems and needs a little boost, I'm there. But when I'm the one in need, no one is there to comfort me. So I'm usually by myself and I write about it. I mean, friendship is probably about giving, and giving, and giving. But what if one person is out of things to give? One person can only sacrifice so much. I don't want to complain, I just want to know what real friendship is. You can be best friends with a person for so long, but are they really your best friend? I don't know. I'm no expert, after all. But I just feel like I've given so much, and I when I stop giving just for a little while, I get called a betrayer, someone no one can trust, not a true friend. And it's just so irritating. I don't want to be mistreated. I don't want to be taken advantage of. But maybe I already am.
Another thing is forgiveness, and the usual problem, emotions. I'll start with forgiveness first.
I know it's good to forgive a person. But what if they wrong you so many times? Do you still forgive? Okay, if you know me personally, and you happen to read this, and on one fine day meet up with me, I'd like it very much if you don't mention whatever I've written here in this paragraph.
You know how parents can wrong you, and you have no choice but to forgive them? Well, I don't know if I can forgive anymore. I've forgiven my parents so many times for wronging me, even if they have no idea that they did hurt me. Yes, my own parents have hurt me countless times. And the thing is they don't know how much they've hurt me these past few months, and I've forgiven them. I have to, after all. They're my parents. And it's somewhat depressing. They sometimes compare me to my two younger sisters, and it really hurts me, because to me parents, they're "flawless". And sometimes I feel like me parents are against me because I'm all "teenagery" and stuff, but the thing is, they don't understand. If I try defending myself in an argument, they take it as talking back. I don't want my parents to think that I'm rebelling on purpose, it's just that I'm changing and they can't seem to accept that.
Emotions. I know, I know. Emotions and all these start kicking in when I walk into my teen years, but it's so irritating. It's like, I always find myself thinking about guys I like, and it upsets me because I'm too young for an actual relationship and I don't want to end up in a broken relationship. And find it hard to talk with people about this subject because I feel like they're judging me in some way. It's just really hard because I think about this guy I like a lot, and I feel like I shouldn't, and you'd probably say that this is normal, but I don't like it. It's like he appears in my mind out of nowhere and I start fantasizing life with him and I get upset because I know that love isn't the priority right now. It's just upsetting. And it's worse when I start thinking about my future and who I'll end up with, and I start wondering if I've already met my future spouse and all that. Then I get irritated because, again, I know I shouldn't be thinking about this because I'm still really, really young. Why is everything so complicated? I just wish that everything came in a manual so that we could understand everything, and so that we could learn how o do everything without messing up. But I guess that's life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I suddenly disappeared from Earth. Would I be missed? Would people cry for me? Would people start searching for me? Or would I be forgotten, because no one really liked me? Everything is so difficult. Sigh. Thanks for reading this, anyway. I'm sorry if I wasted your time. I probably did.
I sometimes wonder how it would feel to fly free.
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