picking yourself up- part 1

  For the past few days I've been having a sort of feeling of underaccomplishment. Blogger is underlining that last word with red so I'm guessing it isn't a real word. Oh well. Anyway. Underaccomplishment. Saying I've been feeling that way for a few days is probably an understatement. A week or two? Yup, better.

  You're not good enough. This was a sentence I never thought I'd have an issue with. But lately it's really starting to come down hard on me. I never thought to ever associate myself with self-esteem issues because I'm always the one telling everyone that they're enough, they shouldn't compare themselves with others because they're unique and are whom they're meant to be. And so others begin to have this impression that I'm really confident and stuff. It's a facade I wear that hides what I really feel. As cheesy as it may sounds, it's unfortunately true.

  I'm gonna be blunt here: I'm overweight. Yes. I said it. It's true, and no I'm not putting myself down. I'm using an adjective to describe my appearance, no matter how negative it may sound. But yes. It's what I am at the moment. Some people may be able to empathise with me that when you hang around other people who are less than overweight and lean more to the slender side, it can really bite into you're self-esteem. I've begun this unhealthy habit where I measure how heavy I am every morning when I wake up. I've been working towards losing weight, and though I have noticed quite a big change, I realise that this weight-loss thing is beginning to take over my life. I've become obsessed with the way I look on the outside because I'm trying to compensate for something else as well.

  On average, I'd say my studies are OK. I try my best not to fail my exams, but for a little over a handful of them, I'm treading water with my chin dangerously close to sinking below the surface. I talked to a couple of my friends the other day and asked them if they'd rather be dumb and nice, or intelligent and mean. The both answered the former. And I admitted to wanting to be the latter.

  This is my problem: I don't think I'm enough. As much as I try to convince myself that this was who I was made to be, I just can't believe in it. I constantly feel like I need to do more, I need to alter bits of myself, get of rid of the chunks I don't need; I feel like I need to adopt new habits, and destroy the ones that destroy me until there's nothing left of myself left in myself left, but instead a whole new person in a more or less same shell. Why don't I believe I'm enough? And how do I make something out of my life, and go fulfil something?

  Too often, almost, I look at myself and wonder why I'm only good at one thing and so bad at everything else. Then this leads to the insecurity where I fear the day when someone comes along and totally trashes me at the one thing my abilities are able to cope with. This is the constant fear I live in. And it's palpable all the time. Each time someone scores higher in an essay, gets fewer wrongs in a vocabulary test, writes a better story, it all just piles on to this indelible fear of being replaced, and ultimately forgotten. Because there's nothing about me that really stands out. I was told I'm nice, and that's alright but there're so many things that override the mere attribute of "being nice". What if being nice isn't enough? What if I need something more so that I can be someone more?

So yeah. Self-esteem issues. I never thought I would ever face them but here they are, staring me squarely in the face. And here I am, wading ten feet in them, choking on the non-cessation of my own lack of confidence.

To be continued.