the head versus the heart

Lately I've been trying to find answers to questions that simply cannot be answered.

As a Christian, sometimes you can't help but wonder why certain things happen. Why did God create Earth? Why did he create people? Why'd He let sin enter the world? And why doesn't He just start everything from the beginning, getting rid of all darkness?

I'm sure these questions have answers. Maybe some very wise scholar did some research and wrote a book about it all.

And there's no harm looking for answers, it helps us understand things better. But here's something I've been learning over a number of conversations: the answers to these questions satisfy the head, but not the heart. It means that, yes, maybe they'll help us know about God, but they won't help us know God. Maybe these answers will help us answer our curious non-Christian friends better, but they may not necessarily deepen our faith. They'll definitely strengthen the head, but not the heart.

And it's good the strengthen the head, we do need to know about our faith, but, it shouldn't be the focus of our growth in Him. When we focus too much on trying to find the answers, we find that for every answer we get, more questions spring up. Sometimes we get more confused, sometimes we even begin to doubt.

This is where I am in this point in time. I've been trying to make sense of Christianity, trying to find a reason for every action. Questioning why things are the way they are, but I discovered that the deeper I dug, the further I fell from the main point of Christianity.

Yesterday, after CRAVE (my church's monthly youth meeting), we were supposed to pray for one another, and I was approached by one of the leaders. She told me that God wanted to tell me that I needed to stop believing in Him solely in the head, but in the heart, too. That hit me. It really did. Because I've been trying to search for reasons, looking for sense in what I'm doing, attempting to shrink an enormous, humanly incomprehensible God down to something watered-down and understood.

But here's the thing. Christianity is a faith. It's not a call to just blindly believe just because, but it's acknowledging what Christ has done for us, and what that means for us (eternal grace) and allowing that to change our world entirely. It's allowing His love to manifest in our hearts, and just believing in His goodness. It's then proceeding to hunger after Him cause there's so much to receive from Him, it's basking in his glory, in his joy, in his freedom. It's knowing, deep in your heart, that your life will never be the same, and it's all because of Him, and being eternally grateful for priceless salvation.

I'll never completely understand the concept of Grace, or Creation and all that. But what I can hold on to is that I have a Father who watches over me, who cares for me, and wants, more than anything, to spend all eternity with me. And I'll never understand why He wants that because I'm so unworthy, but I can have the certainty and security that He will always be chasing me, and calling after me, always ready to catch me when I fall. And I know, that He's just waiting for me to experience Him for myself, not just hear about Him from the books or the stories, but really encounter Him and know Him in my own way.

And I'm so excited.