a rare update + poem

In March of 2018, I spent 30 days in the state of Penang as an intern in the Burn Internship at the Penang House of Prayer. Some really amazing things happened there, and I'd love to go into detail about the things that took place, but maybe we'll save that for another post.

To be totally candid, there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not wishing to be back with the people and the place. I miss all the things that had happened with all of my heart. But it is also a reminder that my calling was and is meant to happen beyond the confines of those four familiar, comfortable walls. 

Sometimes it gets discouraging because I feel like I'm returning to my old state. But. Everyday has been a reminder that I have been growing. And it's the kind of growth you don't notice immediately, but you just know it's taking place. Everyday is a new day to grow stronger. 

I stumbled across a poem I'd written, as a testimony and reminder to what happened in those 30 days. And I am reminded the God at the time before, when, and after I wrote this poem has always been the same, faithful God, who doesn't rest at chasing after my heart. Remind me, God, to keep the first things first. 

But yes! Here's the poem. As you read it, know that the God who turned my life around in less than a month, can do the same, and so much more for you. All you have to do, is run to Him, with the broken pieces of your heart in your hands, and offer them all back to Him. He'll receive each piece, with delight. 

A Letter to God Concerning Me 

Dear God

How could I have won Your heart?

A child of lack

A child with nothing 

Is it true that just one look takes Your breath away? 

Away

I have been away 

Stumbling after nights of joyless laughter 

Tripping over the conflict 

Between words of positivity 

And letters of filthy explosivity 

Reaching for the fleeting fullness 

Of a stomach filled with 

Fragments of a shattered heart 

And illicit drinking 

So how is it 

That my name is “Daughter”? 

That I am recognisable even in

Rags and excrement? 

That you keep the doors to Your heart 

Wide open

Even though I locked mine and burned the keys 

You keep spares, You say 

You make spares everyday 

For every time I think I can lock myself away

You make spares to my heart 

And You spare me 

You pull my fractured heart towards Your chest 

You cradle the jagged shards in Your arms

Your tears piece the pieces together 

And they hold a little stronger each time 

You make me a little stronger each time

Oh Lord

You fill my head with 

Undulating waves of affection 

You battle

The charging throngs of destructive introspection 

You assure and bring reassurance 

You condemn condemnation itself 

“What if I make a mistake?”

“I Am Here,” You say. 

“What if I leave and never come back?”

“I Am Here.”

“What if–”

“I Am.” 

And so 

To You, my God, my Father, my Friend

My heart bows in adoration 

My knees hit the ground in surrender 

My eyes gaze heavenward 

In Faith

In Hope 

In Love 

And just as You swore to love me from Day Zero

This heart you restored swears to love You

And You

And only You 

Until the time for My Time 

Until the time for Time Itself 

Until the time for the time of Your Return