a rare update + poem

In March of 2018, I spent 30 days in the state of Penang as an intern in the Burn Internship at the Penang House of Prayer. Some really amazing things happened there, and I'd love to go into detail about the things that took place, but maybe we'll save that for another post.

To be totally candid, there isn't a day that goes by where I'm not wishing to be back with the people and the place. I miss all the things that had happened with all of my heart. But it is also a reminder that my calling was and is meant to happen beyond the confines of those four familiar, comfortable walls. 

Sometimes it gets discouraging because I feel like I'm returning to my old state. But. Everyday has been a reminder that I have been growing. And it's the kind of growth you don't notice immediately, but you just know it's taking place. Everyday is a new day to grow stronger. 

I stumbled across a poem I'd written, as a testimony and reminder to what happened in those 30 days. And I am reminded the God at the time before, when, and after I wrote this poem has always been the same, faithful God, who doesn't rest at chasing after my heart. Remind me, God, to keep the first things first. 

But yes! Here's the poem. As you read it, know that the God who turned my life around in less than a month, can do the same, and so much more for you. All you have to do, is run to Him, with the broken pieces of your heart in your hands, and offer them all back to Him. He'll receive each piece, with delight. 

A Letter to God Concerning Me 

Dear God

How could I have won Your heart?

A child of lack

A child with nothing 

Is it true that just one look takes Your breath away? 

Away

I have been away 

Stumbling after nights of joyless laughter 

Tripping over the conflict 

Between words of positivity 

And letters of filthy explosivity 

Reaching for the fleeting fullness 

Of a stomach filled with 

Fragments of a shattered heart 

And illicit drinking 

So how is it 

That my name is “Daughter”? 

That I am recognisable even in

Rags and excrement? 

That you keep the doors to Your heart 

Wide open

Even though I locked mine and burned the keys 

You keep spares, You say 

You make spares everyday 

For every time I think I can lock myself away

You make spares to my heart 

And You spare me 

You pull my fractured heart towards Your chest 

You cradle the jagged shards in Your arms

Your tears piece the pieces together 

And they hold a little stronger each time 

You make me a little stronger each time

Oh Lord

You fill my head with 

Undulating waves of affection 

You battle

The charging throngs of destructive introspection 

You assure and bring reassurance 

You condemn condemnation itself 

“What if I make a mistake?”

“I Am Here,” You say. 

“What if I leave and never come back?”

“I Am Here.”

“What if–”

“I Am.” 

And so 

To You, my God, my Father, my Friend

My heart bows in adoration 

My knees hit the ground in surrender 

My eyes gaze heavenward 

In Faith

In Hope 

In Love 

And just as You swore to love me from Day Zero

This heart you restored swears to love You

And You

And only You 

Until the time for My Time 

Until the time for Time Itself 

Until the time for the time of Your Return

the head versus the heart

Lately I've been trying to find answers to questions that simply cannot be answered.

As a Christian, sometimes you can't help but wonder why certain things happen. Why did God create Earth? Why did he create people? Why'd He let sin enter the world? And why doesn't He just start everything from the beginning, getting rid of all darkness?

I'm sure these questions have answers. Maybe some very wise scholar did some research and wrote a book about it all.

And there's no harm looking for answers, it helps us understand things better. But here's something I've been learning over a number of conversations: the answers to these questions satisfy the head, but not the heart. It means that, yes, maybe they'll help us know about God, but they won't help us know God. Maybe these answers will help us answer our curious non-Christian friends better, but they may not necessarily deepen our faith. They'll definitely strengthen the head, but not the heart.

And it's good the strengthen the head, we do need to know about our faith, but, it shouldn't be the focus of our growth in Him. When we focus too much on trying to find the answers, we find that for every answer we get, more questions spring up. Sometimes we get more confused, sometimes we even begin to doubt.

This is where I am in this point in time. I've been trying to make sense of Christianity, trying to find a reason for every action. Questioning why things are the way they are, but I discovered that the deeper I dug, the further I fell from the main point of Christianity.

Yesterday, after CRAVE (my church's monthly youth meeting), we were supposed to pray for one another, and I was approached by one of the leaders. She told me that God wanted to tell me that I needed to stop believing in Him solely in the head, but in the heart, too. That hit me. It really did. Because I've been trying to search for reasons, looking for sense in what I'm doing, attempting to shrink an enormous, humanly incomprehensible God down to something watered-down and understood.

But here's the thing. Christianity is a faith. It's not a call to just blindly believe just because, but it's acknowledging what Christ has done for us, and what that means for us (eternal grace) and allowing that to change our world entirely. It's allowing His love to manifest in our hearts, and just believing in His goodness. It's then proceeding to hunger after Him cause there's so much to receive from Him, it's basking in his glory, in his joy, in his freedom. It's knowing, deep in your heart, that your life will never be the same, and it's all because of Him, and being eternally grateful for priceless salvation.

I'll never completely understand the concept of Grace, or Creation and all that. But what I can hold on to is that I have a Father who watches over me, who cares for me, and wants, more than anything, to spend all eternity with me. And I'll never understand why He wants that because I'm so unworthy, but I can have the certainty and security that He will always be chasing me, and calling after me, always ready to catch me when I fall. And I know, that He's just waiting for me to experience Him for myself, not just hear about Him from the books or the stories, but really encounter Him and know Him in my own way.

And I'm so excited.

on finding happiness

Where can happiness be found? Is it found in the people around you? But if it is, then that'll mean you'll always have to be surrounded by people to be happy. It'll mean that when you're alone, you're a miserable person. It'll mean that you can't be left by yourself cause then you'll realise that in reality, you're an insecure person because of the way you need people to make you feel good.

Can happiness be found in love? If love is defined as an action, then that means that you'll only be happy when things are done for you. That you'll only be able to unearth joy when someone is always devoting themselves to you with their actions, filling you with deeds and favours. So that can't solely be where happiness is found because what if one day everyone's been squeezed dry and tired of doing things for you to make you happy? Where then will you find happiness?

Is happiness when you do the things you love? Will that mean that you'll only be happy in your youth, when your bones are strongest and your mind is brightest, when your abilities are the best? It'll mean that one day, when you're old and your body isn't as able, happiness will leave you because you'll realise that the hobbies of your youth are things you are no longer good at, are things your body isn't as fit to perform. It'll mean that happiness will last as long as you are able.

Is happiness found in knowing your purpose? Hey, maybe. That'll mean you know what you were put on earth for, which keeps you motivated to do what you know you're supposed to do. But even that gets tiring. What if doing what you were supposed to do burns you out and sucks you dry? Will happiness be a fleeting experience, then? And what if you never discover your purpose? Will you never be happy?

Maybe happiness is found wherever you place it. Maybe happiness is a tree, with branches reaching into different places. Happiness is in the little things in life, and it's in the big things, too. There is no secret formula to find happiness because it isn't placed in a single place. Happiness is scattered in the different corners of your life. So happiness is found in the people you meet, in love, in the things you do, in finding purpose, but not in these things alone. Happiness isn't a goal that you reach at the end of your life, but is a feeling you encounter in different pages of your life. Which means that you aren't always gonna be happy. But it means that you aren't always going to be miserable and sad, either.

Don't wait to be happy and don't believe that doing one single thing will turn your life around into a constant ball of sunshine. But live life and find joy in your encounters. Happiness is found where you place it.

thoughts at one in the morning

So. It's nearly been a year since I last posted something. It kinda makes me sad that this blog's been dead for so long, I mean, come on, look how pretty I made it. Shame to have it lie idle.

I'm gonna try to post more frequently again. You've read this sentence a billion times. But here's the thing, I need to keep this blog alive. I need something to motivate me to write again. I need something to get me back in love with writing. 

It's funny how you can easily lose interest in the things you love, how you stop making effort to get better at your talent, and let the love for that one thing wither away until one fine day you discover something truly tragic: you're no longer as good at it as you once were. This is me now, hating myself for putting my love for writing on pause because of other priorities like school and family. But you know what? I think laziness is mixed somewhere in there, too. The laziness to keep working towards your goal. And then feeling discouraged after that, and then going on this massive guilt trip at the end. 

The same thing goes for reading. I used to be able to read multiple books a week and now I can barely get past a couple chapters in a month. It's bad. Really bad. I'm supposed to be a lover of words and yet here I am trapped in a limbo of "Well I do love it but I don't really have the motivation to do it anymore." So did I really love it in the first place? 

That's a painful thought. But I refuse to sit back and allow my love for words to die away. No. I'm reigniting the fire, and I'm going to rediscover my first love once more. 

I'm excited. I'm excited to begin writing here again. It's been way too long. This page deserves to be filled with stories of my life, or just stories in general. Even if no one reads it, I'm doing it because I believe my soul needs it, desperately. 

So yes. Expect to see a new post every week. I'm on break now so that'll be a lot easier to do. Prepare yourself for a LOT of updates.

I will be back.

xx.

the way

Hello!

Recently, I got home from one of the most life-changing camps of my life. I'm going to be honest here, I went with no expectations. Now you're probably thinking, "Faith! You should always expect something out of something or else you're just gonna go without learning anything!"

Well, I thought the same thing. Thing was, I didn't quite know what to expect. I wanted to go mainly to replace the camp I'd be missing at the end of the year due to circumstances; expectations, to me, were secondary.

Maybe it was also because I didn't want to anticipate too much out of it and be let down at the end, but, eh.

Moving on from that, I came home with a treasure-trove of wisdom and life-transforming motivation. God spoke so so clearly and I was just so amazed at everything that was said. So, I thought I'd share what I got with you! Because you'll get to learn, and I'll get to relearn what I learned. Win-win.

Disclaimer: The following is all my interpretation of what was taught at camp. It contains the gist of what was said by the speaker, but a lot of it are little nuggets that I picked up throughout. If you wanna know what was really said so that you can pick stuff from your p.o.v, I suggest you travel back in time and go for camp. Oh. And bring me along, too. I'd do anything to experience it all over again. Heh. :P

Alright, here we go!

Throughout the three days we were at camp, the verse that we mainly focused on was John 14:6, 'Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."' 

Now, I know, that as Christian, one of the main things that I'm supposed to do is follow Christ. Because He is... The Way. 
And when I became a Christian, that automatically programmed me to follow His ways, His teachings and whatnot, because,

#1 The call to faith is a call to follow 
That was the first point that was shared on the first day. This ^, basically means that the moment you put your faith is Christ, that is when you begin to follow Him. Ever heard the term "follower of Christ"? Yup. Basically we're that. There were a couple things said about this that hit really hard. Like, the speaker asked this question that made me think, is my life really following Jesus?

Now, real quick, what does it mean to follow Jesus? I don't think there's a 100% correct answer for this, (if there is though, do lemme know), but from what I understand, it's basically trusting in Jesus, looking not to the world but instead going to Him. Correct me if I'm wrong. Really.

But yeah, that question really made me think, cause, yes, I trust in Jesus, I've put Him in charge of my life, but have I really put Him 100% in charge? Something to think about haha.

Here's another thing that was said: following Jesus doesn't make him a voice or opinion in your life, but makes him the voice or opinion in your life. This is really good. Sometimes it's good to rely on other people to help you, or yourself, even, but you cannot rely completely on that. Jesus has to be the deciding factor when making decisions, be it big or small.

And speaking from experience, it's hard. It's hard trusting in Something you can't see or feel, so to speak, but sometimes, just waiting on God, knowing that He's there–cause He is–is enough. Just remember to talk to Him a lot. It helps.

All in all, you don't know the future, but Jesus does. So allow Him to lead you.

#2 The way you choose determines your life's end result
I'm very very very sure all of us have made bad decisions. And we have two choices. We either continue to mess up our current situation, or we decide to back up, and make a U-turn. There's this app called Waze, and it does this thing where, if you make a wrong turn, it makes you turn around, or it finds another route for you. And it takes forever to get back on track, but in the end, we know we'll be right where we want to be.

Following Jesus doesn't have to be that way, though. Well, not all the time. We'll definitely come across some obstructions and deviations in times when our faith is a little shaky, but when we continue follow Christ and call on His name, at least we can have the reassurance that we'll be back on the right path, and that we'll be closer to our end goal.

So, question. Are your decisions taking you to your desired destination? Because we can say we want to go somewhere and yet we take all the wrong turns and go against directions. The choices we make defines how and where we end up in the future. If we go against the way of Christ, I can tell you that you that we'll be preparing ourselves for a lot of hardship and pain, all of which will be in vain. But If we do choose the way of Christ, no, we won't escape difficulties, but we have the benefit of knowing that whatever happens, Christ has got our backs, and best of all, it won't ever end in vain.

Another thing that was said that I really liked was this: We don't need a map, because Jesus is THE map. He is the way we're meant to choose. That means there really is no other way. It's either Jesus or eternal damnation. And we don't choose Jesus just so we don't go to hell, but because He went all out to save us, and His love overrides everything else! Buuuut that's a whole other post for another day.

So. Are you going to choose the way of the world, or the way of Christ?

#3 Following Jesus' way is not a piece of cake
Oh, you chose the way of Christ? Great! Now be prepared to face some of the hardest tests of your lives. No, I'm not here to scare you away. I'm here to give you a sisterly heads-up.

The way of Jesus will cost you. It could cost you anything, your friends, your family, your possessions. Why? Maybe it's cause those things are leading you away from Christ, or some other reason I don't know about. But following Jesus is hard. When you start following–really following–Him, trials will be thrown your way to test the condition, the desires of your heart. And it's all done because the moment you put your faith in Christ and start believing in Him, Jesus immediately begins a life-long project of perfecting you, making you better, developing you into something amazing.

For now, us being perfect is something that'll happen a loooooooooong way from now, so what we've gotta do is focus on staying on the straight and narrow path. It'll be tough. We'll have to say no to the desires that'll cause us to fall, we'll be that weird, holy-ish thumb that sticks out in the middle of wrong-doing, we'll get weird looks from people when we mention the name of Jesus, when we turn down alcohol, we'll be laughed at when we say no to lying, to gossiping about that "funny-looking" girl in school. We'll be despised, spat on, regarded as laughing stocks.

Okay well, maybe it went a bit extreme towards the end. Or did it?

It's hard, following Christ. But the Bible has so much to say about this.

Romans 12:2 - Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

1 John 2:15-17 - Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father[a] is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

And you know what? You are not alone on your journey! While you are travelling the way of Jesus, following Him, He is with you, watching you, cheering you on. If you've read any of this, then you'd know the only reason you'd be following Christ is because of your faith in Him. It is that faith in Him that will push you forward, it is that faith in Him that will remind you that His perfect plan for you will carry you on, it is that faith in Him that will cause you to just trust and trust and trust.

Because God isn't gonna leave you alone on this walk. That'd be mean. But He's with you, every step of the way, ready to pick you up if, and when you fall. Christ will give you the strength to go on, every second of the way.

Because no gamer has ever played a game without running into enemies if they were going the right way. So if you encounter hardships, then good. You're on the right path. Just make sure you trust in Him, and keep relying on Him until the end. You'll be fine if you do, I promise.

ONE LAST THING! This is super important. It'll all be so so so worth it in the end! Really! Honestly! In the end, you get the spend an eternity with God as a spotless, sinless, super happy being. I'm sure in reality it's way more awesome than that, but this is the best my descriptive skills allow me to describe The End. But just hold on, keep fighting, keep running the race, and keep keeping the faith. God is by your side. He's like your ultimate cheerleader right now.

You can do this.

xx.

on His love

I've been learning a lot.

I began this year with the resolution that I would get my study-life back on track, that I would go to the gym and most important of all: pursue a good relationship with God.

The first one, so far, is going okay, I guess. It could be better. The second one is pretty good, actually. I kinda like working out and sweating and having that feeling of accomplishment once I stumble out of the gym with my legs feeling like jello and arms like rubber. Smelling like sweat is not a plus though!

And the last one. I'm really, really happy with the way the last one is going.

Here's the thing. God has always been the one who was chasing us in the first place, and it was always up to us to run after Him. God is always speaking, always showing us things, always comforting us, but it's a matter of whether we pay attention to the fact that He is.

I think this was something I never really thought about until lately. For me, a relationship with God was always about putting in effort to make time for Him, trying to find Him, crying out, yelling at Him, asking Him why He isn't there. The problem wasn't with Him. It was me.

Just yesterday I went to watch X-Men:Apocalypse. And one of the characters, Jean Grey, has the power of telekinesis, and a perk of this is that she can cause people to not see her. It's not that she has the power of invisibility, but she can alter the mind to ignore the fact that she is there. Kinda like a blind spot in a way. Anyway, this sort of reminds me of a relationship with God can be like with many people. And it's that He's right there, watching us, waiting for us, not because He causes us not to see Him (contrary to Jean's powers) but it's because sometimes we choose not to.

And so, in these past few months, I've been learning to acknowledge God, knowing that He's right there and that I can really, really, really talk to Him when I need to. God has been in the background in my life for a long time, and now I'm learning to take Him out of the shadows, and putting Him right in the centre, because here's the thing:

We've been in His centre for as long as we've been existing. And here's the part that boggles my mind everytime I think about it. There's approximately 7 billion people on Earth right now. And every. Single. One of us is in the centre of God's mind. God is talking to us, thinking about us, interceding for each and every one of us all at once. Isn't that insane? That's how much He cares for us, that's how much He wants us to talk to Him because even when He's gotta watch over billions of people, He pays the same amount of attention to all of us.

Which is why it all comes down to the fact of whether we want to reciprocate that attention, whether we want to return His call, listen, really listen, to what He's gotta say.

I've been speaking to a friend a lot of God's love, and I've been learning a lot from her. She never fails to reiterate the fact that we have to understand God's love before we can truly have a relationship with Him. And this is very hard because God's love is something that is so hard to be understood because it reaches from the depths of the sea right up to the sky and beyond. His love is infinite. His love reaches no bounds, and guess what? It's all for us. It's for us and us and us.

Because we are made from His image, and He formed us in our mother's wombs and He knew of our plans before we even entered the world, and He already knew us. He loves us because we are His.

This is the love that will carry us forward when we have nothing left to give, when we are weak and despondent. This is the love that knows no boundaries, and doesn't care for who we are, what we are, what we've been, and what we will be. This is the love that has given up its everything, was willing to sacrifice His own life so that we could live. This is the love that will continue chasing and chasing and chasing us with no end.

The best part is that His love is already there. It's already going after you. And all you have to do is keep your arms wide open, and your heart ready to receive.

The question is this: will you?

xx.

twenty-sixteen and moving forward

Happy new year!

So this is me finally writing a blog post after a many-month hiatus. Maybe it’s because I want to actually make this blogging thing work. Heh.

But yes. Two-zero-one-six. A bunch of things are gonna happen this year. I become my school’s chapel head. I sit for my O Levels. And I eventually graduate high school.

I’m going to be honest: I wasted a lot of time last year. There were a lot of things I could have worked on but didn’t because I suck like that. This year has to be different. I can’t afford to waste anymore time. I need to stop procrastinating. Although last year was pretty good, this year needs to be even better.

I’m mad at myself for throwing the opportunity to improve away last year. And I know there’s nothing I can do about that–so I’m picking up myself where I left off, and I’m going to work hard at what I could have. I’m not simply moving on–I’m moving forward. And this year I'll try to document each and every one of my new findings on life and love and myself… to the best of my abilities, of course. I do tend to have difficulty with consistency. *laughs nervously*

But yes. It’s one in the morning and I should probably head to bed. Will blog more when the time comes.

xx.